Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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