I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
