went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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