im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
