Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Drake has all the answers
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He shit in the fireplace
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
