just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
