At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
