Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
