Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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