Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
