saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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