Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
