Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
