I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
organizing the empties. That sober.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
