your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
