I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
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