the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
