I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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