nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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