Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
