I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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