He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Come share oat with me in your robe
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
