I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
