Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
