I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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