i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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