Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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