someone get that fucking seahorse.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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