I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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