My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Say something about gay babies.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
