so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm having to shit out rocks
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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