Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
