I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
