so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
