So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
