when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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