the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
