True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize