Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
