He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
