I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
