I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
where am i from again
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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