it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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