i just wanna soil my oats bro
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
