hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
