Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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