Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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