I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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