Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
