i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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