were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i love accidental penises.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
