roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
