can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
