I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
