i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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